Build Him Up

I continue to stray away from the Proverbs study but what I am thinking on right now is sons and in particular, what in the world to do with them! This is again stemming from a conversation I had with a sister and I am still pondering some of the things we talked about. So I decided to try and put them down so that I can make more sense of them. And by the way, I love you sisters! You help me so much and I am always loved and encouraged when I talk to you!!!

Little notes on raising boys to be men:

The first thing that comes to mind with boys, is that I am so often admitting to myself that I have no idea what I am doing. So as with all things, I pray. I pray for wisdom, faithfulness, patience, I pray that I would respect him and at the same time that I would help him become respectable.

I was asking Jason one day, after one of the boys did something totally crazy, why it is that he (the boy) would ever think that doing "this" would actually be a good idea! Jason very wisely unfolded the inner thinkings of "the boy" to me. He said that boys look at things this way: "it would be so sweet if I climbed up really high to jump off that bookshelf and I bet I could throw in a couple of awesome twists while jumping!" Jason was very clear to point out that the thought of how that might hurt, or how that idea may not work, or how that idea could possibly lead to death, never enters "the boys" mind. That something could possibly be "sweet" is the whole thought process. And it is not much of a process! Boys get ideas, lots of ideas into their heads and they want to act them out. This is not a problem. Often as women we try to get our boys not to be this way. We try and tell them that it is wrong of them to think this way. But this is not helpful and it is not fruitful. Instead we need to realize that this is part of being a boy. Conquering bookshelfs now should be the beginning of conquering the world later. We need to be faithful to help our boys conquer things. We should be encouraging them as they try something new. We should encourage their adventuress spirits. And at the same time we need to teach them to think through their ideas. We need to teach them to stop and think, "is this a good idea?" "what will happen when I do this?". And boys will learn by their mistakes. And following and scraping a knee is a life lesson. "When I take a risk on my bike, it may end in some blood on the knee, but I can get back up again!" We need to teach our boys that when they fall, they need to get back up again. And when they fall because of something stupid they did, they need to get back up again and try from a different angle, or try a new approach all together, but it is so, so important to instill in them the need to get back up again!! We do not want to discourage our boys. We do want them to be afraid to try things. We do not want them to think that they cannot not succeed. If we do this then we have stifled one of their greatest assets to conquering the world. And as boys they need to get out there and conquer!

Respect. Boys turn into men. Shocking I know, but oh so true. How boys are filled up never changes. Their need for respect is ever constant. They need respect when they are young, old and everywhere in-between. I know that you might be thinking, 'seriously, how in the world do I respect my 8 year old who still needs me to remind him to brush his teeth?" Well the nice thing about respect is that he does not need to be respectable for you to respect him. And it is one of those things that works like this- you treat your son with respect, he will become respectable. I think that this puts a big responsibility on us as parents. And it is also really convicting. If my son is acting like a total basketcase, then it sure says a lot about how I am doing as a parent. Do not underestimate the need your boys have for respect!!!

How to render respect. There are so many ways but a good first step if you are new to this, is to write a respect letter. I do this with Cedric and it is amazing what it does for him. He carries it around with him all day and makes sure to put his special letter in a safe place for later. There was one time that he put it in his underwear drawer so that he could read it every morning! It was not a long letter or a super in depth letter. It was simple and to the point. And remember that it is us women that usually base how good a letter is by how long it is!

Lets just say that when you sit down to write this letter that nothing comes to mind. No problem. We go back to what we always go back to.....God. Pray that God would help you to see things in your son worthy of praise. This is a new way to "see" your sons so it might take a little time. But once you begin to see your sons this way, it will get clearer and clearer. And know that praising your sons should be based on his abilities. He wants to be good at stuff. Be a student of your sons and find out what they are good at. "Wow, you are such a good student." "You are so good at______________." "You really know how to ______________, good job." "I am so proud of the way you _____________." The list goes on and on. But start with the basics and keep it simple. I love putting notes in lunch boxes. Cedric always comes home with an extra big smile on his face when I do this.

Speak respectfully. Be so careful how you talk to your sons. Watch your tone, your facial expressions, your body language. They need to know that they are making you proud. They need to know that they are enjoyed. They need to know that you are so blessed to have them for sons! They need to know that you value them and esteem them. How you talk to them and what you say can either build them up ten feet tall or bury them deep into the ground. God created the world with words. Make sure that you are building your sons up with your words.

You have a great responsibility to build up your little guy. So build him and watch him become a man worthy of respect from kings. Think of the great men in Bible. You can be sure that an encouraging mom is behind them!!!

Blessings to you as you learn to respect your little guys!

Eyes of The Lord

"The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good." Proverbs 15:3

Everything we do is to be done to the glory of God. Our chief goal ought to be to glorify God. This is true of us in our calling as wife, mother, employee, church member, friend, daughter..... Our main concern should be to please God in all we do. Right now we are mothers. Some of us our wives. But we will always be Christians. This is one thing that not even death can alter!

How we view this verse will reveal how view God. If God is only watching us to catch us, then we will be motivated by guilt. If God is watching because he cares for us and delights in us, then we will be humbled and motivated by gratitude and thanksgiving. Sometimes both views can get a similar outward action. But the heart of a guilt stricken person is scared, selfish, bitter and far from the Lord of the Bible. The heart of the thankful person is motivated to please God because he feels gratitude. And he feels gratitude because he knows that God is God and he is man. He knows that God made all things, governs all things and still has a love for him!!! If this is not motivation to good works then I do not what is! Therefore, this verse should relieve us, and if it does not then you can be sure that your view of God needs to change!

So how does this verse apply to parenting. It is so easy to have the kids memorize this because we want them to feel burdened. We want them to know that we know how naughty they are and they can be sure that God is watching and is wagging his finger at them in a disapproving way. But God is not this way. So if we teach this then we are misrepresenting God to our children and it is clear that we need to have a little Bible study for ourselves! The main thing to impart to your child about this verse is the amazing truth that God is watching them because he cares for them. He is watching them because he is watching over them. He has their good in mind. He watches them because he delights in them. He watches them, not to catch them being naughty and say "I told you so" but he watches them because they are the apple of his eye.

If we are to rightly teach our children this proverb then we need to copy God in his parenting techniques. When you look at your child when he is doing something good, how do you respond? Do you encourage and praise or do you discourage by thinking "it is about time you do as you are told"? When your child is in sin and disobedience, how do you respond? Do you gently lead them in righteousness by grabbing their hand and bringing them back on the path or do you beat them down by anger, frustration and unkind words? Or are you not like God in the way of not noticing either good or evil in your child? If this is the case then you need to start paying attention.

Delight in your children!!! You cannot teach this verse rightly until you have that down. And if you are not delighting in your children, then bring it to God. Confess it as sin and ask God to give you a love for your children that is like his love for his children! Look on your children with love, wanting to bless them at all times. Wanting to bless them when they are in sin, wanting to bless them when they are producing the fruit of the spirit. But always looking at them with delight and pleasure.

And how do we do this when they are not being delightful? Well, if you already have a love for them in your heart (put there by God of course!) it will be much easier. Never forget that you are suppose to be the spiritual one. You are called to correct your children. Stop getting surprised by this!!! Expect it!! And get really good at helping them get out of the mess quickly.

Remember that God is watching you! He is watching you for the same reasons that he is watching them. He loves and delights in you. He gave you your story so that you could be the heroine. He gave your kids to you so that you could serve them and help transform them into his image. But you cannot do this if you are not being transformed. So know that God is watching you. And yes, he expects you to live in manner worthy of your calling. But this attitude of obedience should come from humble thankfulness not from a spirit of guilt. And just so you know, guilt produces terrible fruit!!! But forgiveness in Jesus produces the beautiful fruit of the spirit!!!

Memorize this verse for yourself first and couple it with meditating on God's attributes. This should lead you to praising him rather then fearing him. I am not talking about godly fear here but the fear that comes from the devil. And this fear cripples and withers any good fruit. It does not convict as the holy spirit does who leads us to Jesus so that we can be free of our burdens, but it adds to our load and makes us fall under a hard yoke. But Jesus' yoke is easy and his burden is light. So remember that he cares for you, he watches you because he cares. He wants you to succeed and He helps you have victory and joy!!! Be relieved then because he sees you at your best and your worst. And in your best, he is there working it in and through you. And at your worst, he is there to pick you up and carry you. At your worst he is there, ready, always ready, to forgive you! And this why this verse is incredible!!

God bless you as you strive to be as He is!

Sin in the Camp

This is not a Proverbs study but an issue that we all need constant reminders, and constant encouragement in. The issue is sin in the camp; the camp being your home. I was talking with one of my wonderful sisters this week and we were discussing how to deal with sin in our kids when it comes up. Sin is as old as dirt and will be around until that great day of judgment when Jesus comes back. It is something that we need to get good at dealing with. It is so funny to say, but if we are honest and believe the Scriptures, we know that we will always sin in this life and it is our duty to get good at how we deal with it. There are so many temptations that we struggle with when sin enters and it is our job to eliminate these temptations and deal with the real issue of the sin itself. It is easy to get distracted from the real issue. It is so easy to blame others for our sin, it is so easy to justify our sin, it is so easy to rename our sin so that we do not acknowledge it as sin, it is so easy as parents to blame others for our kids bad attitude, unwholesome speech, disobedience.... and the list goes on! And when we do this, we add more messes onto the original mess. And this makes discernment near impossible! At this point we have taken a mole hill and turned it into a mountain. As parents we so often do this with our kids. We call it "protecting" them. But making excuses for our kids is really doing them Spirtual damage. We need to teach them to get out of sin as quickly as THEY get into it! That sin was in there heart and no one put it there. If it comes out, you should be thankful because it gives you the opportunity to give it to God and have him separate as far as the east is from the west. Making excuses for them is wrong. Making excuses for them is our sin and we need to repent of it! Making excuses for them keeps the sin in the camp and in their hearts. And being a sinner yourself does not mean that you are exempt from teaching them the true and right standard of the Scriptures. It is true that God hates hypocrisy, but He also hates disobedience. And it is true that you need to be spiritual so that you can instruct your children. But do not use your lazy disobedience as an excuse for lazy parenting. Get sin out of you, so that you can get it out of your children!!!

I remember going to Tijuana when I was 17 with my youth group to build a house for a poor family. The family that my housing team was assigned to lived on an old dump. We literally pulled up to a mountain of garbage and had to build our house there. It was a very sad business but it is also a really good picture of what undelt sin looks like. Do not build your life on this kind of mountain. Rather through repentance, deal with the "garbage" (the built up sin) and build your life on the solid ground that is Jesus.

Picture a window. This window represents your childs heart. When the window opens, what comes through is sin. It may be that when the window is open an unkind word comes out. It may be a bad attitude. It may be out right disobedience to your command. Whatever it is, it needs to be named according to Scripture. You need to teach your children to deal with sin and this is how you do it. Call it what the Bible calls it. Administer the consequence for that particular sin. Go to God with it. Confess to God the sin and ask him to take it away. Thank Him for taking it away. Confess to who (if someone else is involved) you sinned against using Biblical language.

Helpful words for moms: do not become emotional! Stay sober and close the window quickly. Do not be surprised that the house is a drafty place! Remember that sin is guaranteed and it is your job to teach faithfulness in cleaning up after sin, by cleaning up promptly, with thankfulness in your heart for the grace that God always administers! Do not tire of doing good!! God is ever patient with us. We sin against him again and again. When your kids sin again and again, imitate your Father in heaven and be longsuffering. This is a fruit of the spirit and one that we need to actively cultivate as moms. Longsuffering refers to suffering for a long time. This suffering is talking about sin. God is patient with us and does not cast us away the moment we mess up. This is what it is to be longsuffering and it is the whole story of the Bible! Ask God to give you this fruit of the Spirit. Ask God to make you like Him in this area. Mediate on this attribute of God. Think about the cross. Think about the grace you have received. This will make you more thankful and will equip to do to your children as God has done to you!

There is no reason that we should be annoyed at our kids when they sin. There is no reason that we should be angry at our kids when the mess up. There is no reason that we should be surprised when our kids sin. But we do get annoyed, angry and we are so often surprised. So go and repent and ask God to fill you up the fruit of the spirit. Ask God to make you like him. And learn to deal with sin promptly and cheerfully when it enters your camp!

God bless you as you endeavor to act more like him in this area!